Rep. Beth Bye. Photo: Connecticut House Democrats.It’s no exaggeration to say that by coming out to her fellow judiciary committee members at the April 12 committee hearing on a same-sex marriage bill, Connecticut state Rep. Beth Bye helped change the course of the same-sex marriage movement in Connecticut. Not that Bye was in the closet; the freshman lawmaker ran for office as an openly gay candidate and received the endorsement of the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund, and she lists her partner Tracey in her biography on her official website. But as a new lawmaker who had been relatively silent up until that hearing on LGBT issues, she estimates at least half of her colleagues on the committee were unaware she was gay. That all changed when she addressed the committee and told them that, unlike the other lawmakers debating the pros and cons of same-sex marriage, she actually understood the issue firsthand because she and her partner were in a civil union.
Bye told the story of how her father, a devout Catholic who didn’t attend his brother’s wedding because the brother had been divorced, was supportive of her relationship to her partner, Tracey, and treated the two of them as a married couple. She described her father walking down the aisle during their civil union ceremony and lighting a unity candle with Tracey’s father.
Bye also spoke in personal terms about why the state’s civil union law did not go far enough. She talked about going for her mammogram appointment and, under the section of the medical form asking her marital status, being forced to check “other” because it was the only option that fit. On her partner’s pension fund, she said she was listed as “husband.”
“Though some of you may say, ‘Oh, they’re just trivial differences,’ I’m the only one sitting here who’s living it every day, and I tell you, it’s not trivial. I am other. I hope one day to be married in the eyes of the civil law, and forgive me if I’m not patient. I don’t think it’s a thing that’s just a matter of time. I don’t want to be other anymore. I want to be married,” said Bye.
Throughout her speech Bye repeatedly and visibly fought to hold back tears, and she was particularly overcome when describing how her father understood that being gay was an essential part of who she was, just as being athletic and being curious were essential parts of her being. She joked at the hearing that by tearing up she had condemned herself to winding up on the front of the paper, and she was right; the next day the Hartford Courant ran a photo of her on its front page holding her head in her hands after breaking down in tears. Bye told Bay Windows she was unprepared for her own emotional reaction to talking about being gay.
“I was more emotional than I wanted to be in my testimony,” said Bye. “I realized I don’t think I ever in public called myself gay, so in my speech … when I said, ‘I am gay,’ I just have to say, it just welled up inside of me like, I’ve never said that.”
Yet it may have been that display of emotion that led to a vote that was beyond the expectations of same-sex marriage supporters. Bye said lawmakers and advocates pushing for this session’s same-sex marriage bill did not expect it pass the legislature, but they hoped to hold hearings on the bill and pass it out of the House judiciary committee to build the groundwork for its passage in later sessions. Both Bye and Anne Stanback, executive director of Love Makes a Family, the lead same-sex marriage advocacy organization in the state, said they expected the same-sex marriage bill to pass in the committee by at most one or two votes. Then Bye gave her speech, and the old plan went out the window. The marriage bill won in the committee by a staggering 27-15 vote.
“It was one of those days where everything went right and all of our swing votes swung the right way,” said Stanback. “I tend to be the eternal optimist and I hadn’t given up on any of them, but what we thought was going to happen was we would win by maybe a vote.”
Stanback said Bye’s speech proved a decisive factor in getting members of the committee to support the bill.
“She really put herself out there and spoke from the heart, and that is exactly what moved legislators. It moved them when they heard it from constituents, but it moves them in a whole different way when they hear it from a colleague, and especially a colleague they like and respect as much as Beth,” said Stanback.
There were other factors that helped tip the balance on the committee in favor of the marriage proponents. Both of the chairs of the judiciary committee, Sen. Andrew McDonald and Rep. Michael Lawlor, are openly gay, and Bye said both of them repeatedly urged their colleagues not to cast a vote that would place them “on the wrong side of history.” Stanback said opponents of same-sex marriage on the committee made speeches full of “misinformation and fear,” turning off potential fence-sitters.
The end result of that vote was that the same-sex marriage bill has far more momentum than proponents anticipated.
“I really think we underestimated, me too, how far this could go this year … I really think the momentum came in that meeting, some of it,” said Bye. “There aren’t many surprises by the time you get to vote, but it’s just a sign of how close Connecticut residents are, it’s like there are more people on the fence than we thought. It’s a sign that the movement is moving faster than anticipated. People are seeing their way to accept this, and [with the creation of] civil unions, the sky is not falling.”
Stanback said Love Makes a Family and its allies are currently counting heads in preparation for a House vote on the marriage legislation. They are lining up their supporters, identifying potential swing votes, and making contact with those swings to try to sway them to their side. House Speaker James Amann opposes same-sex marriage but told the Connecticut Post that if proponents of the bill pull together a majority to support it, he will allow it to come up for a debate. Stanback said Love Makes a Family will be working over the next couple weeks to try to pull together that majority.
“I think if we can get close and continue the momentum that we have right now, we can convince him to have a vote, even if we’re a few votes short. We have seen at every step of the way, in the civil union debate two years ago and in the judiciary public debate this year, those debates, which for some bills are just wasted time, in this case they really do have an impact,” said Stanback. She said a House debate on the marriage bill is likely to shift even more support to their side.
Another obstacle facing the marriage bill is Gov. M. Jodi Rell, who has repeatedly said she opposes same-sex marriage, despite signing the civil union law. Stanback said Rell’s opposition has not dissuaded Love Makes a Family’s efforts, and she believes Rell can be moved. She said she hopes to have Rell meet same-sex couples to listen to their personal stories about marriage and civil unions, saying that similar meetings have changed the minds of many lawmakers.
“I just am not willing to accept [Rell’s stated opposition to same-sex marriage] as a final word,” said Stanback.
As for Bye, she said the response she has received from her colleagues has been uniformly positive and supportive. She received a steady stream of positive e-mails from people in her district, and the handful of negative e-mails she received came from outside the district.
Bye said the speech was a departure from how she normally approaches talking to people about being gay. She prefers educating people by simply living her life openly and proudly. Bye and her partner hosted dinners for the freshman lawmakers at their home on multiple occasions, and she also invited the legislature’s female lawmakers into her home.
“I did make a point to have people over here but not have a speech about gay rights so people could see, it’s just the everyday,” said Bye.
Yet after speaking with advocates and her colleagues pushing for the amendment, she realized her personal story could help sway people in the debate.
“When it came time to vote, I couldn’t not say anything as the only one sitting there with a civil union,” said Bye.
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